Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
