remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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