I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
