I heard we made out
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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