you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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