Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can't talk, ducks in the car
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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