Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
