The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
