my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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