I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
