Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
