So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
