Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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