my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
