I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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