Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
