living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
