im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
