woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
