i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize