last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
