I wish I could teleport
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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