I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
