READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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