He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
