im about as happy as oj after his trial
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
