Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
