yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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