You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
