You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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