he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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