I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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