i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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