i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
