You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
