i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
