My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
