My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
