Michael Bay diarrhea
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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