I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
