....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
