He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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