i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
