So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
there is puke in my bra ... again
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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