I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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