Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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