Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
