I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
