Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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