She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
as a side note pls kill me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
