GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
